you can never know
Been struggling the past few weeks with alienation and a horrible sense of futility; don't quote me but in some ways the worst I can remember since my early twenties. The big "why". Worse because it feels impersonal-- it isn't about "me", but about the value of a life spent making art in general, at this time and place.

This struggle has been compounded by delayed grief, since this is the first stretch of time I've had to breathe since months before the election.

S. has been there for me-- and also made a strong case that I don't know that paintings don't support people in ways I don't see. He gave specific examples of people working for social justice who do own my work, and told me that it made a difference to him, personally, that my work helped these people to have a better quality of life. If you have known any activists and seen how they typically live, you might know the problem. It is hard to take care of yourself and build a life and a home that sustains you when your need for justice burns that hot. Progressives are painfully underfunded, radicals generally not at all-- and what money you do have, you know too much about where it came from.

I just got back from giving a brief artist talk to a visiting tour group of executives' wives. The kind of tour designed to convince them to buy homes in Beloit. Whatever I expected, the reality of these women was more complex and startling. I had the privilege of seeing a painting hit home and make meaning for/in people right in front of my eyes. Next time I struggle with despair that what I do is not worthy work, I'll remember today.

This was the painting:



Here's the wall card text, which probably meant more than the painting; most people get words quicker.

breaking ranks-- the whistleblower
oil on canvas
16” x 12”


I believe that we all come to personal crossroads at which we have to make decisions which reveal our character and have consequences. This painting is in honor of anyone who risks money and position to step up and do the right thing.

I know how these things go down. People take risks for change and make waves when they've got the support to do it, when someone close by (like your wife) says "you are doing the right thing and it is what I want and I also accept the risk to us and our family". And they don't take the risk if they don't hear this message.

I bet some of those women have been through some of these conversations already. It is a small painting but for them it popped off the wall-- I saw it happen, and one woman came and fetched me and wordlessly pointed.

We are all change agents. Everyone can make a difference.